You know, when people told me as a freshman and sophomore that junior year would be the worst year of high school, I believed them. I didn't have a reason not to. It made sense, in my mind. Junior year was the first year people really start thinking about colleges. And, as the oldest child, I can slowly see my mother losing her mind over it.
So my hopes are not high the moment I walk into school my first day of junior year. But I did not think it was going to be this bad!
Ok, sure. It's 2020. There's a lot of bad things about this year. And yes, I've got some personal bias and tragedy that makes this year the worst in my life. But I could tell, right off the bat, that this was the year that was really going to test me.
It started the second week into school. I remember thinking to myself, 'hey, I don't remember having this much work this time last year.' I didn't complain, though. I was in my first two AP classes.
It stayed that way until November. Field hockey season went perfectly, and while I did notice the increased workload, I wasn't too worried. It wasn't anything I couldn't handle. The problems started, however, the moment field hockey stopped.
It surprised me. Suddenly, I have this free time and could get my work done a lot earlier than I could when I would come home from practice. So why was I feeling so overwhelmed?
The source of my issue has to do with some personal family stuff. I've been extremely blessed to have lived 16 years of pure, sheltered bliss. So when my grandfather got sick, it really hurt. It was something I've never experienced before. Something I never knew how to experience. It was a rollercoaster, mentally and emotionally. Everything that was going on in my family life was completely new to me. For the first time, the one constant in my life ceased to be a constant.
Back onto the story. What shocked me about my life hitting hard when I had free time was the fact that I had time to get ahead on my work. I should be less stressed. But, sure enough, once I started work on the musical like I do in the winter, I was feeling better. Less overwhelmed. Then, that ended, and all the feelings came rushing back, like a freight train hitting me in the face.
At this point, I understood. By having lots of things to do, I was successfully giving my mind distractions. I wasn't letting my mind wonder and I felt a little more human than I usually do.
So I'm trying my best to keep myself distracted and comfortable in school when, gradually, coronavirus becomes less of a joke and more of a possibility. Soon, every teacher's talking about what we would do if school were to shut down. We had assemblies over it. Our school was prepared. And I hated it.
I wanted everybody to stop talking about school closing down because, in my mind, school can't shut down. The thought of school shutting down made my mind spiral and I'd start to get upset. Even though I'm surrounded by work and tests, I found school to be an outlet. I had places in school where I felt comfortable to let my feelings out. I had a great support system in school. I had teachers and friends willing to talk to me. And now people are saying I won't even have that anymore.
School closes down for a week. A week turns into two, then four, and now we're closed until May. Probably longer. But I'm trying not to think about the 'probablys' or the 'maybes'. Just the cold hard facts.
The first time I was asked this question, I was in my theater class. It was the first day of virtual school and my second class of the day. My teacher goes alphabetically down the line, taking attendance and asking everyone how they are feeling about school closing. Everyone before me had mostly positive things to say. They were enjoying the extra sleep and being able to stay in their pajamas and do work in their beds. When the question was turned to me, I didn't hold back.
I told them how much I already hated this experience. How it left this sinking feeling in my chest and it didn't feel right. I'm usually a positive, optimistic person. I'm the 'glass half-full' type of girl. It was daunting to feel this way. Not being able to find a single positive thing to challenge the negatives.
I'd like to say after the first week, I got used to the new life. If I said that, I'd be wrong. It just got harder. I never realized what human contact meant to me until it was taken away from me. I had all the resources to reach out to friends and family. The technology today is absolutely incredible and it really shows how far our society has come. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get myself to enjoy the Zoom calls. Staring at my peers through a screen just reminds me of what I can't have anymore. I often found myself hating my computer at the end of the day.
My grandfather lost his Herculean battle against cancer on March 19th.
Everything changed from that moment on. Nothing in my life was the same as it was 2 weeks prior.
Grief is different for everyone. I don't completely understand it yet, either. I'm a comfort person. Grieving is hard, but having to grieve alone (physically) made it all the more difficult for me. I could spend a long time on my grief and how I'm dealing with it, but that's not what this article's about.
I've never been more thankful for family and friends than I've been in the week after his passing. If the outside world was normal, we would have taken a few days off to spend with family and have a proper wake and funeral. That was not an option anymore. I still attended classes, not answering questions and no one asking why. I took on what I could, and everyone was understanding if I told them I couldn't. I told you, school was my support system. It was comforting to still have that, although virtually.
The last week of March saw me listening to either the Newsies Broadway soundtrack or Rihanna's We Found Love on repeat. Newsies was our school musical and We Found Love was the finale song of our school play. I worked backstage on both of those and found myself reminiscing on the days where corona wasn't the only thing talked about on the news.
Confusingly, the moment I stopped listening to my memories, I found myself in a numbing contentedness with the issue I've had with virtual school. I'm still getting unusually mad at my computer, but virtual school's become more normal than it has in the past.
My school related problems aren't over. The AP tests were changed to an online format. I'm taking APUSH and AP Physics, and it's weird to think my AP Physics test will be 2 questions and my APUSH 1. And while the new format is a homerun on one test, it completely throws a wrench into the other. Not to mention ACT and SAT subject tests. While I was fortunate enough to take the ACT twice before, I wanted to take it one more time to boost up my score just a little more. I don't know when that's going to happen. And the subject tests I was scheduled to take were cancelled.
But life's put a lot of things into perspective. Across the country, there are juniors who are struggling with what to do about standardized testing as well. Colleges are becoming test optional, accommodating to the pandemic. Spring sports, spring shows, extracurriculars are gone. My baby sister lost her elementary school graduation. There are seniors who've lost their senior years. We're losing things we never imagined we'd lose. And the circle of life still goes on, as if this pandemic isn't even a thing.
Coronavirus is not a joke. People are getting terribly sick. People are dying. It's scary and it's crazy and it's real. And I know I'm not the only one who can't wait for this quarantine to be done.
So, yeah, I guess I can say junior year really was the worst. I can easily say that and I haven't even finished it. If I look at it from a purely academic standpoint, though, I come to a surprising conclusion. While I'm taking the hardest class I've ever taken, I don't think I can say junior year was the hardest year. College was always a pressing thought, but I know that's all going to work out in the end.
So I can't necessarily blame junior year. Life happened. And I'm emerging as a stronger person because of it.
My advice for sophomores and freshman who have been told junior year is the worst is to heed the warnings. But keep perspective. There's many reasons to hate junior year. I'm not denying that. Just take it day by day and know that no matter what life throws at you, it's all going to work out in the end. Like it will for me.
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